Dating?

For the past few days, a warmth has been nurtured inside my breast. A fuzzy sweetness that is growing, threatening to overtake my senses. And I want to let it. I guess this is dating, and it's, pretty nice.

I love it when she says, she likes it when I play with her hair.
I love it when she squeezes my hand as we walk.
I love it when she takes my hand, and holds onto me with the other too.
I love it when she says she doesn't want to take a taxi, because she says she likes walking with me.
I love it when she says "I'll join you later", when I'm falling asleep.
I love it when I roll over in the morning, and her smell is on the pillow.
I love it that we can talk about anything under the sun.
I love it that I can act like an idiot.
I love it that I can make her laugh.
I love it when she said she regrets her upbringing a bit, for not making her open enough, which I construed to mean that if she were more open, we'd be really dating. XD
I love it when she hugs my orange pillow.
I love it when whe kissed me on the cheek this morning, and rushed away.
I love it that she kept the picture I took of us, on the wallpaper of her phone.
I love it when she smiles, when I nudge her nose.
I love it when she tries to warm my hands.
I love it when she holds my hand in both of hers, when she walks in front.
I love it when she sleeps.
I love it when she hugged me this morning, when we were waking up.
I love it when we're so close, legs crossed, hugging each other, in the morning.
I love it when she tells me she likes me.
I love it when she says she'll be hurt and jealous if I'm with someone else.
I love it when she grins and closes her eyes when I call her sexy.
I love it when she says she wants to kiss me, but can't.

I don't know if I'm in love though. Before, I would never have hesitated to say that. But hurt helped me grow up a little.

The way she pulled away,
the way she told me she didn't like me enough,
the way she said she didn't like me at all,
the way she distanced herself,
the way she stiffened when I went close to her,
the way she wouldn't look at me,
the way she shut herself off,
the way she didn't trust me,
the way she seemed to hate me.

I can't seem to forget any of it.

And I think I can't forget it, because there is a dread inside me, a very real fear that all those hurtful things will happen again. That this closeness we feel now will evaporate very soon, and the bliss between us, that is just the two of us, is all temporary. She's going to pull away. Pull away one day.

She's going to decide she can't do any of this.

Or I'm going to decide, I need something more, need someone to give me more. Decide I need love? Love without barriers, without fear, without witholding, without all the bullshit.

But for now at least, I'm really happy.

-Jacqueline