At a loss

It hurts, living in a world where people judge you. Condemn you. Brand you a pervert and slap you with their notions of abnormality. It hurts us so much, that the one you love more than anyone in the world, fears them, and their judgment. And when she fears their displeasure, she fears you.

Or me.

It hurts, when you think about it.

How, by fearing the love we share, I feel she doesn't really love me at all.

I wonder if that is selfish. After all, people have other commitments, other standards to live up to.

But when I am the part of her life, that does not live up to the standards the people around her have set, can I help but feel unworthy, disillusioned, destroyed?

By hiding me, she has pushed my red self-destruct button. Slowly I feel myself fading away. I stop speaking to the people surrounding me. I stop living a full life. I am an empty shell when she isn't here to put a light into my life.

She's away again. Off to her family. I am alone, alone for my mind to fill with notions. Negative emotions shiver my skin, wet my cheeks. The thoughts run through my mind every second.

"How can she say, she will never leave me, when her mind compels her to return to the home of her family?"

"How can she say, she will come back to me, after we part ways, when her plan of a final destination, is with the family business?"

"How can she say, she will never hurt me, when her only dream is to have a house, a husband, a family of children her own?"

"How can she say, she will always love me, when she also says she can never betray her family, or tell them about us?"

"How can we be together, if it is all a lie?"

"How can I live without her, even if it is a lie?"

"I want to die."

- Jac