The Problems that Be
Anger is coldly seething inside me. A cold wind is stirring in my chest and travelling through my every vein. My face is set in a stone of boredom, with cruelty leaking from my eyes. It is a familiar feeling, this harsh cold anger. One that took work and pain to seal from the prying eyes of the world. It depresses me now, that the person who most provokes these feelings, is the one I love the most.
I have been mad like this so many times, an uncountable number. And two days ago, I exploded at Gill, softly saying my piece.
"You are inconsiderate"
"You only think of yourself"
"You would break any promise you make to me, because you forget"
"You always forget about me"
She cried over these few sentences. Of course I filled them out with the stories of broken promises and failed expectations, which just served to cause her voice to break, and escape our conversation.
Sobbing, she told me she couldn't talk now, and she said bye.
I saw her yesterday, and since I vowed an age ago to never allow our personal issues to affect other people, I pretended to be happy and free. She looked at me hopefully, wondering if it was all behind us.
But how could it be? We hadn't solved anything, and she will still never change.
I will never be anywhere near the top of her list. She only ever wants me, comes to me, when she has nothing else to do. How wouldn't that play havoc with my self-esteem?
A project coming up? "Jac stop, I need to work. Go away"
A call from her mother, and she's off and away, never mind any items I had previously planned on our agenda.
Her game needs tending to? "Please, I just need to do that and then I'll come back. It's more important right now"
I'm sitting around, not doing anything, she's sitting around, not doing anything. Has she ever come to me? Twice in our relationship, as compared to the hundreds of times I've gone to her.
I am so very tired. And many times I have wondered how much longer I can last.
The petty person inside me is speaking coldly from my end of the phone. When she calls to tell me the minute details of her day, I respond heavily, with distraction. But the guilt from the conversation where she cried burdens my core, prompting a 'No, I'm fine, Nothing's wrong' from me, with her every query after my tone.
My petty self wants to shun her when she returns. Shrink away from her, make her feel horrid.
But I know that I cannot do that. I am not strong enough perhaps, but I know I will give in to her, to her face, to her tears, to her voice, to her love.
And any resolution I have to show her I'm serious will fade the minute we make love. I am desperate to feel her touch, yearning for her tongue and lips. I ache for the kiss we share, for the way she makes me feel in bed. It is my kryptonite.
No matter how angry I can feel when she isn't here, that yappy second voice in my head knows that it will fade when I see her. And once again I won't be able to tell her, how I really feel.
-Jacqueline
I have been mad like this so many times, an uncountable number. And two days ago, I exploded at Gill, softly saying my piece.
"You are inconsiderate"
"You only think of yourself"
"You would break any promise you make to me, because you forget"
"You always forget about me"
She cried over these few sentences. Of course I filled them out with the stories of broken promises and failed expectations, which just served to cause her voice to break, and escape our conversation.
Sobbing, she told me she couldn't talk now, and she said bye.
I saw her yesterday, and since I vowed an age ago to never allow our personal issues to affect other people, I pretended to be happy and free. She looked at me hopefully, wondering if it was all behind us.
But how could it be? We hadn't solved anything, and she will still never change.
I will never be anywhere near the top of her list. She only ever wants me, comes to me, when she has nothing else to do. How wouldn't that play havoc with my self-esteem?
A project coming up? "Jac stop, I need to work. Go away"
A call from her mother, and she's off and away, never mind any items I had previously planned on our agenda.
Her game needs tending to? "Please, I just need to do that and then I'll come back. It's more important right now"
I'm sitting around, not doing anything, she's sitting around, not doing anything. Has she ever come to me? Twice in our relationship, as compared to the hundreds of times I've gone to her.
I am so very tired. And many times I have wondered how much longer I can last.
The petty person inside me is speaking coldly from my end of the phone. When she calls to tell me the minute details of her day, I respond heavily, with distraction. But the guilt from the conversation where she cried burdens my core, prompting a 'No, I'm fine, Nothing's wrong' from me, with her every query after my tone.
My petty self wants to shun her when she returns. Shrink away from her, make her feel horrid.
But I know that I cannot do that. I am not strong enough perhaps, but I know I will give in to her, to her face, to her tears, to her voice, to her love.
And any resolution I have to show her I'm serious will fade the minute we make love. I am desperate to feel her touch, yearning for her tongue and lips. I ache for the kiss we share, for the way she makes me feel in bed. It is my kryptonite.
No matter how angry I can feel when she isn't here, that yappy second voice in my head knows that it will fade when I see her. And once again I won't be able to tell her, how I really feel.
-Jacqueline
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